Chalkboard Torture

           I am intentional. I am consciously creating a life I love.

                This is what my affirmation card read at yoga class on Sunday. My hand hovered over the circle of shiny gold cards spread facedown before I plucked this one. I placed it at the front of my mat, dedicating my yoga practice to these words. Oh, how they resonated with me, their timeliness and truth.

                I recently returned from a trip to Miami, a Wesley reunion of sorts, to meet my niece. My brother couldn’t wait to be a father. He and my sister-in-law are so stoked. My parents, too. I’m thrilled for them all, especially Mom and Dad, first-time grandparents.

                The new parents are also about to close on a house, their second one. They recently relocated to South Florida from Los Angeles and were bummed to leave their renovated bungalow. My brother loves being a homeowner. Putzing around in the yard, Painting. Shopping for décor.

                We have two completely different versions of our American dream, I said to the two of them as I cradled their newborn. My brother rolled his eyes. He doesn’t get why I am chosen child-free. Why I complain about being a homeowner. (If not for my logical husband, I’d still be throwing money away on rent for the additional freedom it provides.)

                But I do love my life. I’m obsessed with it (when my shitty mental health isn’t raging a wildfire in my headspace), this American Dream of mine that skews from a traditional one and includes dogs over children, travel and concerts instead of home renovations, and a career fit for a bookworm.

                Since returning from Miami, I’ve been thinking a lot about the choices I’ve made in life. Some easy, some devastating, and some life-altering mistakes, but each intentional, either to get me on my chosen path or keep me there. And I can’t help but think how fortunate I am to have this option. I didn’t have kids on account of societal norms or enter a profession due to family pressure (100% not the case). But I have friends with different experiences. I don’t think I want kids, but my mom will be disappointed if I don’t.

                To quote my favorite band, from one of my not favorite songs, “You got one life, blaze on.” (#IYKYK). Live the life you want, whether that includes six kids or six dogs. Stay in your hometown or live in a van cruising across The Americas. Wear tie-dye or collared Lacoste. Architect your design so that when you pick that affirmation in yoga class, your body buzzes with joy in that affirmation.

                I pulled this card when I desperately needed it, (as always, thank you for the timing, Universe) with my self-esteem in the gutter for months. It’s a mantra to be repeated, a recess penance of writing this one hundred times on the chalkboard as a reminder to have gratitude for this.

                I am intentional. I am consciously creating a life I love.